Then like now, I like to think I have a safety net underneath me ready to catch me when I fall. I like to think that in times of crisis, I can call on those I have helped for help in return. When I was younger, I liked to lie to myself and tell myself that if I failed, I could always go home and live with my parents.
Now as then, I am deluding myself into thinking that one can amass good Karma, that dropping everything for the welfare of others is what you’re supposed to do.
There’s a 12 step program for that.
You think I’m kidding, right?
Dropping everything for the welfare of others, making sacrifices to help others, rescuing others at my own expense (including addicts, homeless, family, friends) is called CoDependency. It’s the guilt ridden Catholic upbringing. If I don’t get my just reward on earth…there’s always heaven.
My feelings get hurt when I am not joined in my attempts at collecting favors. What I constitute as an emergency who’s favors I need are not life and death and thus, not urgent enough for those who’s agendas are more self serving.
The resentment builds…and being forever the optimist even in the depths of my shaking, nauseating sadness comes a thought.
I am set free.
I am set free from the chains of obligation.
I am learning my lessons well.
Ayan Ryand spoke of the evils of selflessness. In Atlas Shrugged, she spoke of the stifling chains that manipulators hold over their victims when they feel entitled to what they have not worked for. In her last days, the irony of her words came back to haunt her when she signed up for food stamps aging in poverty.
Even Mother Teresa who raised millions of dollars for the lost souls of Calcutta who were dying on the streets, when visited by those who donated specific funds for specific medical tools to help alleviate suffering and heal those who had so much need were disappointed to find not much had changed for those lost souls. They were still dying in abject poverty while the millions of dollars were never really accounted for except that she was but one of the disciples of a larger organization who’s thirst for riches could never be quenched, even at the expense of those who were supposed to be helped. Their gratitude will be significant in heaven they have been told.
Which brings me to Foes and again delusion of who the enemy really is.
I thought my mechanic was a friend. I thought he wished me well and was just a tad busy. It turned out our barter was for not. While I paid for hosting and his domain name as well as built his website, he lied about having done any work on my RV as well as having changed any parts. The “last thing left to do” which was changing over tires and rims was a farce. And now he’s going on holiday for 2 weeks.
I wish this was an isolated incident. But, alas, no. I have had mechanics put dirty oil in my radiator so that when I returned for a tuneup they could charge me hundreds of dollars for fake repair work.
I have had even seemingly honest mechanics play the game when I arrived in a suit one day, after almost a year of good work at reasonable prices, put up my vehicle and removed my tires, then claimed one calamity after another to end up charging me almost $1000 and that was 20 years ago!
I have had one mechanic claim he didn’t work on RV’s in the winter time (for a timing chain) fair enough, could he work on it in the spring? Sure! he said, I kept calling and calling, I was running a motel in another province, finally a year and a half later, I had the RV towed to me on principle. I didn’t want him to think he could steal something that was never his. He never worked on it. But having left the top off of the engine cover off, the smell of mice, the road dust, the mildew, the RV was a total loss even though I did find a mechanic to fix the timing chain. I bartered it for roof work on my current RV. So it wasn’t a total loss after all. The roofer was in more dire need than I was and had more skills than I. He drove it home.
Back to my current lying, cheating, lazy mechanic. I was fuming mad. After 4 months of waiting for repairs, the police wanted my RV gone from that road as they were doing road work and the bylaw folks had called them. Which means “Hand‘s” truck was towed away, as well as several other vehicles. Well, last I checked I could only drive one vehicle at a time, so I drove the RV to my usual 24 hour fast food place, then tried to find someone to give me a ride to pick up my truck.
There was the problem, I called in favors and no one stepped up to the plate.
It was inconvenient.
After much pleading, even showing photos of my leg with the 10 screws which makes travel difficult, I was turned down. I decided to walk the 20 blocks.
Then I swallowed a mosquito.
I was having a really bad day.
I finally made it to my truck which was parked in front of a trucking company and chatted with the man I’d met there before. He knew “Hand“. “Oh him, he’s a good guy, he’s just a drunk, that’s all.” was what he said after I explained why “Hand‘s” truck was gone. I explained my pick up truck and other RV (the one on the farm) were for sale as I had mentioned this to “Hands” previously. In hindsight, drunk driving is criminal and this could have been his issue. Thus his criminal record.
Addiction is addiction.
So he found himself sleeping in the back of a cube truck that wasn’t even his own. I never did find out who my banana eating stalker was, but he left his calling card on my windshield wipers again. The banana peel was the straw that broke the camel’s metaphorical back. Tonight, some guys were hanging around my pick up truck which was parked next to my RV.
I looked out my window, caught the SOB and screamed profanities until he backed off and went inside for some fast food, knowing better than to mess with an Italian menopausal woman who reminded him of his worst teacher in high school.
Ultimately, there are not friends and there are no foes. There is just romantic grandiose delusions of such.
Use your powers for good not evil.